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Ah, the ongoing struggle every parent can relate to—how to get your kids to listen to you.
As a mother of three, I’ve come to know that although mothering is one of the most difficult quests a person can embark on, it’s also one of the most fun, beautiful, and profoundly honorable callings in the world.
Why Don’t Your Kids Listen to You?
The truth is, it’s not really about them listening to you. Children are people. People with unique personalities and passions. If we try to control these little people, it will be an ongoing fight. We need to focus more on collaborating with them.
Nonetheless, let’s explore some fundamental reasons our children might not be listening to us. And it’s important to remember it’s not all your fault!
Tired or hungry. When your child is tired or hungry, their physical needs take over and their intellectual capacity to listen is slim. All that matters to them in that moment is their physical well-being, yet they may not know how to express it.
One-track minded. Children have a hard time multi-tasking. If they are zoned into their play, it’s possible they won’t even hear you when you speak.
Too much instruction. For younger children, too many commands can be overwhelming. Asking a 2-year-old to finish his dinner, clean up the blocks, and go upstairs for bath time is unrealistic.
Too wordy. Let’s face it—we’re talkers. So, when we talk to our kids, we’re probably saying too much. Young children are direct and think in literal terms. They need us to get to the point!
Commands instead of questions. Now hold on—I’m not talking about giving them choices like “which cup do you want, the red or blue?” Scroll down to “Bonus Tip to Get Your Kids to Listen” for examples.
Kids need to think for themselves. We are robbing them of that right with all of our commands. We leave no room for decision making or problem solving.
Nobody’s Perfect
Let’s get this out of the way. We put too much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. No one is or ever will be. And if we try to be, we’ll eventually crumble.
So of course I’ve raised my voice at my children. Of course I’ve made bad decisions. We are all human and making mistakes is part of life—and part of character building, which is what really matters.
The way we handle our own mistakes—through messing up, making it right and moving forward—teaches more than perfection ever could.
3 Ways to Get Your Kids to Listen to You
Stop Talking!
I know, it sounds harsh. Hear me out because it’s genius. I learned this tip from Michaeleen Doucleff’s masterpiece, Hunt, Gather Parent.
As North-Americans we are constantly telling our kids to do this and do that, and saying, “not like that” and “don’t forget to…” It’s exhausting. It’s unnecessary. I would even argue that it’s damaging.
How to talk less so your kids will listen
- The Timer Challenge
Doucleff suggests setting a timer for 20 minutes and to allow yourself only one verbal command to your children within that timeframe. No matter what. Use actions, physical touch, facial expressions—be creative.
She learned from the Hadza mothers in Tanzania that when we give our children space to think and make decisions on their own, life is a whole lot more peaceful!
Give it a try. Start with 20 minutes, then bump it up to 40, then an hour. How does it feel? - Is it necessary?
More often than not, the thing you want your child to do or not do, is not a pressing issue. Ask yourself before you speak—is what you’re about to tell your child necessary?
If we’re not constantly barking orders at our children, then when we do speak, it carries more weight. Try holding off until you see a motive or a must. Let me explain.
Motive: Your child wants help with a toy. You make a necessary request: “Let’s tidy up the dolls first,” and you clean up with her before helping with her toy. So you waited until she came to you, you promoted connection and teamwork, and she listened.
Must: Your child is running around the pool. This is an instance where a command is necessary for your child’s safety. - Actions instead of words
Most of the time words are not needed. A lot can be said with a look. A child can be guided by the hand. But the most lasting lessons, in my experience, come from what we model.
Modelling: If we model bossiness, our children will not only learn to be bossy but they will learn to be dependent on us.
Let’s model helpfulness instead. If you start putting blocks away, chances are they will follow. If you listen to their needs, they will learn to listen to ours.
The Look: In her book, Doucleff talks about how parents across the world “use all types of facial expressions to direct children’s behavior.” Kids know their parents, and they can read their faces. Next time your daughter acts out for not getting the colour cup she wanted, try “the look.”
Physical Touch: Sometimes we need to physically remove a child from danger. Or take their hands off of a sibling. Words add to the commotion but a silent nudge holds peace.
Stop Saying “No”!
Okay, I know—this might seem controversial. I’ve never been a proponent of never saying no to your children, but this idea takes a different spin.
Think about it—wouldn’t you get bogged down if you were always being told no? How can we work with this for our children?
- Pick your battles.
Your child says he’s going to swim at the beach without water wings. You know that he isn’t ready for that. Let him dream…even let him try. You will be right there, ready to help when needed. Once he realizes he’s not quite capable, he’ll ask for his water wings. You’ve avoided a battle and encouraged confidence and autonomy. - Be creative.
It can be so easy to say no to our children, yet it ironically causes us more difficulty. With a little creativity, there is usually a way around saying no. Here are some tips:
Time. It’s bedtime but the boys want to keep playing. Tell them you’re setting the timer for 5 minutes and when it beeps, it’s time for bed. Kids don’t often argue with objects!
Task. Your one-year-old is about to have a meltdown because she wants the carrots you’re chopping. Give her a handful of small pieces along with a bowl. This will become a very important task of hers for the next several minutes.
Trade. We talked about this earlier with the child who needed help with a toy but her dolls needed tidying. You help me, I help you. Though it’s more meaningful than a trade—it’s helpfulness and togetherness. It’s teamwork. - Know your child.
You know when your children are hungry, tired, sad, frustrated…the list goes on. Take this into consideration before telling them no.
You are slicing bread and your 3-year-old walks in and immediately starts asking for a slice. Instead of saying no, tell him he can have one small piece and then he needs to wait until dinner time. You know he’s hungry, so denying him food in that moment would cause a ruckus!
And for the child who thinks he can swim without water wings—you know that he can’t. But telling him no will only create drama, right?
Autonomy, Not Independence
These words often get tangled up with one another. They actually have very different meanings when it comes to children’s behavior and familial relationships. Michaeleen Doucleff portrays a powerful idea:
“Independence means not needing or not being influenced by others. An independent child operates like a solitary planet. They’re disconnected. They have no obligations to their family or their community around them. And in return, the family and community have no expectations of the child.”
I won’t be able to do nearly as good a job as Doucleff, but I’ll do my best. Autonomy is the right and ability to think and make decisions independently.
How do we give our children autonomy?
Freedom
Collaboration over control!
Good leaders allow their group members to take part in decision-making and teaching. I try to take this approach with my children. Teamwork builds character—it gives the child a sense of belonging and purpose.
Children will listen to you without you having to say anything if teamwork is a regular practice in your home.
Space
Parents in many other countries allow their very young children to leave the house alone to get groceries from the nearby store. This may be a little too far out for our culture today, but the concept is powerful.
Children need space to explore their options and run into trouble so that they can problem-solve and overcome hardship. We can act as their “invisible safety net,” as Doucleff calls it.
Responsibility
Doable tasks
If children are given age-appropriate responsibilities—tasks that are doable for them, we won’t need to micromanage them as they do it. If allowed freedom, they will complete the task while building confidence and drive.
Connection over control!
It’s not always easy to remember, but every time my children whine, misbehave, or don’t listen, it’s an opportunity for me to connect with them.
They need to be reminded that they are part of an important group that loves and supports each other. If your children know that they play a crucial role in this group, they will rise to the task.
Connect with them. Invite them into meaningful work. Children aren’t just meant to follow — they’re wired to contribute, to care, and to help make the world better.
Bonus Tip to Get Your Kids to Listen
We can replace commands with questions. If you ask your child a question, you give him the opportunity to make a decision on his own.
Instead of telling him to get off the coffee table, ask him if he thinks it’s a good idea or if it’s safe. Maybe your 3-year-old is refusing to tidy up. Ask him, “Where does Superman go?” Watch what happens.
Practice
These things don’t happen overnight! It takes days, weeks, months and years to build character and grow strong relationships.
Maybe you’ll only try one tip we’ve talked about. That’s great! And if you think it’s too late and there’s no hope, it’s not—there is always hope. Just do what you can and welcome mistakes.
Interested in more parenting insight?
Check out A Mom’s Guide to Getting Things Done where I offer tips you might not have heard before.
M is for Mama has great advice on her podcast and blog.
From-Scratch Recipes Your Kids Will Love
Easy Sourdough Discard Crackers
Homemade Granola (Sweetened with Honey)
Images in this post were generated using AI tools (ChatGPT / DALL·E by OpenAI).
These are great suggestions! I’m excited to face a new day tomorrow and try these out. Thanks for the post – I needed to hear this!
So glad to hear <3